


Seven Years Denial

by FlaminiaK



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Rei stop wanting to die on the fucking stage, Sad Ending, Tearjerker, this is fucking sad, this is your fault Rei, why i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 18:27:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12538384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlaminiaK/pseuds/FlaminiaK
Summary: One last song is what needs Ruki to finally crumble from the castle of ice he secluded himself.One last goodbye is what he needed and craved without even realizing it.





	Seven Years Denial

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, since Reita always wants to die on the fucking stage -how dare he to say something saddening like that??- I had to make this get out of my system.
> 
> I'M FUCKING SORRY OK? IT'S THAT BIRDHEAD'S FAULT!! (TTvTT)

A slow melody beeped in the dim light of the living room and Ruki groaned softly from his prone position on the couch’s cushions.

His head was pounding for the lack of sleep and his mind was still fuzzy with the sweet dream he was doing. “Aaaakii… phone…” he mumbled with a low growl, turning his head to try and restart to sleep.

No one answered to his plead and the smartphone continued to buzz and emit a sketchy version of Untitled.

“Akira… ‘nswer the phone…!”

Groaning more, Ruki moved one hand and reached for the noisy device on the coffee table, swiping to accept the call and abandoning the phone on the pillow next to his ear.

The singer then rested the forehead down and sighed a growly “who there…” while his shoulders relaxed again.

The soft, cheerful laugh of Kai came from the other side of the call. “ _Still sleeping Ru? Sorry I woke you up… but it’s three in the afternoon!_ ” the leader chirped and Ruki exhaled a little moan in response, curling around the phone with his eyes puffy and tired.

Ruki sighed again, his brain starting to wake up along with the rest of his body. “Yeah, slept like shit last night… How’s going?” he asked and Kai hummed understanding, before his voice was covered by another one.

“ _It’s Taka-chan?_ ” Uruha’s deep tone questioned the drummer and Ruki closed his eyes to just massage them with his fingers.

Kai seemed to respond to the guitarist, while talking to the phone. “ _Everything’s good here, but I called to ask you something…_ ” the usually happy voice of Kai crumbled piece by piece and Ruki knit his eyebrows in confusion “ _You know, the Company wanted to do a little remembrance concert and they asked me if you will sin–_ ” “No”.

The harsh, dry answer bubbled up from Ruki’s throat without even giving Kai the opportunity to finish the sentence.

Silence fell on the other side of the call and Ruki’s mind started to unwind on its own, memories falling on him like ton-weighting rubbles.

He felt his chest pressed down on the couch by the reality and tears grouped at the edges of his eyes. “ _Ru, it’s just among us and few fans… it’s not a full-fledged concert…!_ ” Kai’s voice was starting to tremble, trying so much to maintain the happy-go-lucky tone, but it didn’t mattered.

Ruki exhaled heavily, gritting his teeth.

How much time it will take to stop hurting? He just called for him few seconds ago, for fuck’s sake…! “No, Yutaka… I’ll not sing, I’ll not be present, I’d rather stay at home and mold my ass off” Ruki answered harder than he thought he was going to, voice strained at the back of his throat.

Another moment of silence fell between him and Kai, before the drummer sighed. “ _It’s ok… I understan– Wai…! Kou!_ ” some rustling interrupted the call and again Uruha’s voice rushed into Ruki’s ears. “ _Taka-chan, stop it_ ” he spoke with his calmness “ _It’s been almost seven years now, you can’t consume yourself like this_ ” Ruki winced, but stood enveloped into his angry, desperate silence.

He knew that pretty well, but it wasn’t his fault if everything went down the drain. “ _Listen, I won’t ask you to sing, we’ll do something about that… but at least be present… it’s his fucking birthday_ ” Uruha’s voice cracked and Ruki felt guilty.

His friends suffered as much as him, he knew… especially Kouhou, but he couldn’t stop the disgust he felt looking around, seeing a world that continued to live without him.

Ruki took a raspy, shuddering breath, holding the phone with now both his hands. “ _Promise me, Taka-chan… please_ ” Uruha’s tone dropped by a couple of notes, dying at the last word.

“I… I promise, Kou… sorry…” those words came out tinted by the salty tears Ruki let roll down his cheeks.

~ ~ ~ ~

Walking down those hallways brought both happy and sad memories inside Ruki’s mind: the little live-house wasn’t even that far from thei– from his apartment and was one that the Company always used for little Heresy-only concerts.

The white walls that once were covered with posters of other bands had now big crowns of flowers plastering them, lined in the hallway because there was no other place to put them.

> _CALL AN AMBULANCE!_

Sunflowers, begonias, lilies, hyacinths, every single flower was doused in sweet scents that remembered Ruki of a church… the stench of a funeral that gripped at the throat.

The singer slowly approached the back of the stage and there it was, his photo circled by other flowers and black ribbons at each corner of the frame.

> _You’ll be fine…! Talk to me Aki…!_

There were a couple of members of the staff walking back and forth, but Ruki didn’t mind them: his eyes wandered towards the very contained crowd under the stage and his chest tightened.

Some members of Dir en Grey, the entire Alice Nine band, some friends in common, the complete Suzuki family.

There was at least fifty people in there and Ruki felt his heart squeeze tight.

It made it so… official.

So real.

Too much real.

Then a hand grasped his shoulder and turning Ruki saw Uruha’s face looking down at him with a little, tired smile. “Thank you… it will make everything a little easier with you here” he patted Ruki’s back before walking towards the stage with his Hellion around the neck.

No make-up, no fancy clothes…

It was so bare and minimum that it hurt even more.

Like their very soul were snatched away with him. “Hey…! You really came” Kai chuckled forcedly behind him, his hands already covered with his leather gloves.

Ruki nodded, eyes shielded by large, black sunglasses, but his lips were pressed together tightly.

Kai seemed to have lost the will to talk, but after a slow swallow he spoke again, more serious. “I’m sorry I had to dig it up, Ru…”.

More stalling between them and then Kai left him alone, walking towards the drums with a little bow in front of the audience.

Ruki held tight at the black curtains separating the stage from the backstage, looking at both Uruha and Kai fixing their instruments alone and in complete silence.

It was maddening, such amount of untold sadness that pressed him in the ground at every beat of his heart.

A third pair of footsteps moved behind him and Ruki turned to see Aoi open and close his zippo while walking, dark-faced and his free hand holding the neck of his black guitar. “Hey” he only said while greeting Ruki.

The singer bowed his head lightly, without moving from that spot and looked at the raven-haired walk to the center of the stage, looking down and putting up a little smile.

It was fake as hell, Ruki could put an entire hand on it, because his eyes didn’t narrow and his hands didn’t stop trembling.

Was he the one doing the singing?

Of course… after all, there was no one else that could sing that sort of wake.

Aoi spoke few words about Reita, Uruha did the same with a more soft voice and then Kai started to roll his drumsticks.

More memories of that fucking night flooded Ruki’s mind when the first notes were struck on both guitars and the little singer couldn’t stop the shiver of his legs, falling on his knees.

> “Do you remember all the songs for the encore, guys? I don’t wanna another mess-up ok?” Kai’s voice spoke with fake seriousness and all of them laughed. “Yeah mooom!” Reita chuckled “We remember, you don’t need to stress!” Uruha added with a large grin.
> 
>   
>  Ruki snorted lightly while finishing his cigarette, seeing Aoi gulping down the last sips of beer before approaching the rest of the group. “Ok, encore and then we’ll be back home! I’m fucking tired” Ruki rose both his arms to place a hand on the backs of Uruha and Reita.
> 
>   
>  All of them cheered in their little good-luck ritual and then they lined to reach the stage.
> 
>   
>  Reita was right behind Ruki and both the bassist’s hands landed on the singer’s hips. “Can’t wait to get home, handsome” he whispered in Ruki’s ear after a quick peck on his neck, making the smaller shiver in his hold. “Mh-mh, me too… have plans for tonight?” Ruki answered, arching back to just nudge Reita’s body with his bottom half.
> 
>   
>  A mischievous grin appeared on the singer’s lips as the bassist chuckled. “Lotsa… gonna show ya later” he only replied with a slightly slurred tone, before he had to let Ruki go and make his entrance on the stage.
> 
>   
>  They performed perfectly for the first two songs, jumping and acting and playing like crazy as they always did in the past.
> 
>   
>  Blinding lights, pounding music… Ruki loved to feel the very electricity on his skin, the scent of excitement coming from the fans mixing with Reita’s cologne that he left on him.
> 
>   
>  Everything was perfect, until a loud **CLANG** interrupted them and Ruki saw the red bass slide almost to his feet.
> 
>   
>  At first he thought Reita fell because he spun too much, but turning around he saw his dear bassist laying on the stage.
> 
>   
>  He was motionless and not in a playful way.
> 
>   
>  The first thing Ruki did was _running_ from his platform to Reita, kneeling down to check out his pulse while all the other approached quickly “Akira… Oi, Aki!” Ruki called him, seeing his eyes rolling inside his sockets.
> 
>   
>  He was searching for something? Or he couldn’t focus…? “Taka… C-can’t… see… m’ hans… cannt move…!” his speech was even more slurred and his motions were frantic but weak.
> 
>   
>  Ruki felt panic dig a freezing cold hole down in his stomach and he automatically held Reita in his arms, feeling his skin shiver “It’s ok, it’s ok… Continue to talk Aki…!” the singer asked him. “Taka… dunno wha… head hurts… help… dun wanna… leave” the bassist tried to stay awake, but his movement became more and more feeble, with his eyes slowly closing.
> 
>   
>  No… no no no…! “Call an ambulance!!” he screamed to Kai, making him bolt in the backstage while both Aoi and Uruha knelt to help take Reita away from the stage.
> 
>   
>  Ruki didn’t care about the fans, the show… he was so scared his heart was going to explode. “Aki… Talk to me Aki…!” he tried to keep him awake, grabbing his face in his palms and shaking him lightly.
> 
>   
>  “Fuck Aki don’t do this to me! Please wake up!!”
> 
>   
>  Reita never opened his eyes again, not even after the quick ride in the ambulance, not after three days of coma.
> 
>   
>  He just… slept away.

For years Ruki refused to cry, not even a tear because Reita would probably pull his legs in the sleep if he ever cried for him… but now the smaller of the group was enveloped in all the unspoken sorrow he held down for years.

A fucking stroke took away the only love he ever had, the only one that meant the world to him.

And now he was a quivering bundle, holding his chest tightly at the edge of the stage: he had to do it… he had to do it only once and then he could be freed from all of this pressure in his chest.

Hiccuping, Ruki stood up on his trembling legs and after a couple of shuddering breaths, he walked on the stage.

Head up, slow pace, hands removing the sunglasses from his face, abandoning them on the floor: Ruki reached Aoi and patted his back a couple of times to get him notice his presence.

Then, without saying a word, Ruki took the mic in both his hands and looked down, knowing that his eyes were red and puffy for all to see.

But he didn’t care, he just opened his mouth and sang with all his heart’s content.

His voice echoed in all the venue, but Ruki wasn’t singing for the people that were watching them, he was singing hard and loud so his voice could float towards the heavens.

To him, so he could hear how much he was missed.

For a moment, Ruki swore he saw a dark shadow at the corner of his right eye, where Reita would usually played his beloved bass.

_I don’t want to forget to myself…!  
I want to be my again…!_

His voice cracked, but Ruki pushed more and more, gripping the microphone like it was the only thing giving him strength.

He persisted to sing, his eyes so foggy with tears he didn’t even saw Uruha and Aoi approaching the center of the stage and when the song reached his end, Ruki’s legs gave in, making him fall on his knees with a low thud of the stage.

_Subarashiki kazoku wo mochi…_  
_subarashiki nakama wo motte…_  
 _Saikou no hibi datta umare_  
 _kawattara mata aou…_

Those last words echoed in the final hits of Kai’s drums, wrapped in the sweet notes of the guitars, while the song lacked the rhythmical sound of the bass.

It ended.

It ended.

Ruki curled up losing the grip on the microphone and screamed wails of pure agony, clawing his chest and the edge of the little platform in front of him.

The music stopped, hands and arms started to hug him while Ruki rocked back and forth in his loud sobs.

It all ended with that song and Ruki felt his heart rip into pieces, finally.

Nothing else held him back and he bawled his eyes out in front of family and friends, trembling in Kai’s warm hug, under Uruha’s soft caresses and in Aoi’s tight hands.

His grieving was seven years too late, but the small, quivering singer felt a warm touch on his cheek and a too well familiar cologne envelope him.

Ruki closed his eyes and abandoned himself in the arms of his friends, saying goodbye one last time.


End file.
